she was so not down for the gang bang
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
