haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
