he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
