my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
