Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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