I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
