If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
