you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
