i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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