Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
