i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
