for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
