I wannas sexs uuuuu
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
