i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
