so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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