I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize