She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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