my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Houston, we have a blender
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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