Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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