Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
