at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
