You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
