I didn't shave. On purpose
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
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I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
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I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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