I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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