she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
