Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
