Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
