Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
