I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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