Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
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So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
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My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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