last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
