I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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