I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
