Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
