If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
