i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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