Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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