alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
