did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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