i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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