is your mom at the bar?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
