I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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