he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
