onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
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afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
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She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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