I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
