when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
