My Higher Power is John Stamos
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I love you. Go after that dick
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize