I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
