the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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