Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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