did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
