I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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