And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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