Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
